Accountability: it’s important

It’s something we don’t like – let’s be honest.

You trust yourself in the process. You believe you know what you’re doing. After all, it’s going smoothly. Let me burst your bubble: it’s not.

I could read this post a thousand times and it would look perfect. Someone else would read it and spot a few grammatical errors. How? Perspective.

Accountability is important because perspective is brought into the equation. It allows growth to occur as honesty is revealed to shape the thought process of the situation. Mistakes therefore are reduced, progression is effective and an element of passing down information to people who need similar guidance is available.

You see, though, we won’t admit all that happens to our close friends. We don’t want the honest truth. We don’t want to update how we’re doing on a weekly basis. Yes, you tell your friends the easy things to speak about, like the arguments with your spouse as it’s common. You don’t tell them the gambling addiction that’s making it hard for you to purchase simple necessities at home.

Don’t be embarrassed. I’ll tell you this for free. Your friends will respect you for coming out and saying this to them.

I disliked how my face looked. My confidence resided in a haircut as it was when I received compliments.

I hated my height. It made dating tall girls tough as they wanted men that were taller. On Twitter, my height is an automatic write off for dating (check my bio).

For a long time I felt like that. When I kept telling my friends over the years that went by, they told me the complete opposite. I was reminded that I’m handsome, everyone’s perception of beauty is different and I need to not fit into society’s standard of a man.

I have great friends.

I can look at my Instagram page and not worry if my pictures have 5 likes.

I can walk out the house knowing I’m handsome without a haircut for 6 weeks.

I can use my height to my advantage instead of moaning about it.

This wouldn’t be possible without staying accountable to my friends. It took a long time to understand my true value. I’m not God to deal with everything on my own. Human beings are limited in a lot of things – putting it simply, we need help!

How to choose an accountability partner? From experience, it’s someone you don’t want to disappoint. That’s my best friend. Letting her down breaks me, so it pushes me to be better every week. They see you for who you are and can give the best advice/honest feedback. Other examples of accountability partners can be found here.

To my male friends, no matter your age, it’s okay to feel like the problem-solver in everything. It’s in our nature. Sometimes, though, our ways are futile when we’re dealing with long term commitments/issues. They aren’t as clear as we think they are.

You want to be consistently better, not consistently passive.

A second post will be written as a follow-up. We need to question our friends when they’re doing something out of character.

Don’t hate the player – hate the game

Have you heard that saying? I have.

It was when I purchased a PS3 back in 2012.

Femi, it came out in 2005, why are you 7 years late?

My mum hated games consoles. I convinced her that Netflix was the next best thing after sliced bread.

Sold. And I don’t pay for Netflix since she does. Ha.

Anyway, after playing Black Ops multiplayer online against people for the first time, I was frustrated with the way I was dying in the game. Campers hiding made it difficult to take them out as they’d always catch you off guard. Another thing called “head glitching” whereby they’re extremely tough to shoot because they positioned themselves with cover protecting everything but a tiny part of their body… but they can kill you easily.

It’s not the player’s fault. The game doesn’t forbid you from this play style. Yes, the community frowns upon this behavior, but the game is the game.

This can be applied throughout everything in your life. It’s not just about how good you are, it’s about how you play the game. You can also term it this way: work smart, not hard.

Have you wondered why it’s so difficult to enter a profession you love that has a ratio of applicants per job by 10000:1? You wake up early, you research, do the relevant application, grind all day grafting on your skillset and yet only progress by 0.001%. Your colleague has no experience, you have 5 years, you both do the same job at the same workplace but she makes way more money than you. Women don’t want to speak to you because you’re short. The game is the game.

I’ll give you an example: to become a successful & well known photographer, it’s not about how good you are at shooting images. It’s about who you know and who knows you (in the industry). Same can be said for acting.

That’s it.

I can take pictures to put photographers with 30 years experience to shame. I can act and portray every single character in the world. But if I don’t know anyone and no one knows me… how will anyone know?

If you don’t like the game, you’ll lose all the time.

How do I play the game? 

It varies. The game requires qualifications, confidence or experience depending on what it is.  A universal answer I can give for a career/job is this:

Apply for a top firm that has the profession you want and intern/work for free (or do something you don’t mind just so you’re in the company database). After a few months and successfully passing your probation, you can request a meeting with your manager on how to develop to what you really want to do. Your manager will support you. It may take a long time, but you’ll get there.

Generally speaking, don’t be afraid to ask those who are experienced in the game. That’s the best way to play the game! We are all good at something. Some can cook up a storm. Some know how to switch an insult into confidence building tips. Some know employers who need candidates for a job. Some know directors who are casting specific characters.

It all starts with you. Learn to play the game. Don’t cheat, or you risk sabotaging everything. Once you’re experienced, taking shortcuts become easy.

The game is the game.

 

His success looks sweeter

He’s 55, posing with his new Tesla car gift from joining one of the most luxurious companies in the world.

All 5 of his children have grown up, gone to Oxford and graduated with 1st class certifications. All employed within 3 months of graduation. Student fees covered by him.

His wife, co-owner of a massive corporation, was paid out £1.1m in bonuses alone. She’s currently working with every chart topping artist in each country to create a similar platform like X Factor.

I just made that up. All of it.

Why did you do that to us Femi. You had me shook. Like, as a man I’m not doing enough.

Okay. If this was real, I’ll tell you one bit you missed. The man is 55. Also, why do you think you’re not doing enough because you compared your life to him?

In his 55 years of living, he was learning during his early years at school. His parents were instilling habits of work first play later. He sacrificed some weekends and early finishes to obtain experience to set him apart from the competition. He didn’t do this overnight. He struggled. Peer pressure almost made him quit, but he kept going.

Okay Femi, what about those who are big but they’re young? Like Stormzy?

Stormzy has been rapping from a very young age. He seized a great opportunity to sneak diss an artist who called him out on a diss song, and clap back at J Spades & Big Narstie who mentioned him as a backup dancer on the BRIT Awards stage. He used those words in a song called Shut Up which was a big success. Most people don’t know it’s a sneak diss song!

The difference is that Stormzy didn’t wallow in the comments received. He didn’t cry and call it a day. He used it to his advantage. Look at him now. Sponsored by Adidas. GSAP has the most first-week streams for a debut album in London. He headlined for Glastonbury. That’s something not anyone can do. Massive!

But not everyone is a Stormzy, or the 55 year old man I just imagined. Most of us won’t touch that level of success at those ages, how would we handle it? Imagine not being able to go to your corner shop to buy something because a large group of people are constantly waiting, watching just to get your autograph & pictures of you everyday. Manipulating stories, blackmail, haters, your past dug up, instigators trying to get a reaction from you. How would you handle that, the fame? How will you cope with all that money? Would you lose your mind? Will you attack your wife because you’re now the breadwinner and everything you do and say is final?

One of my favourite anime’s of all time is One Piece. The aim of the anime is to obtain the One Piece – it is said to be an enormous amount of treasure located somewhere secret. The main protagonist of the show, Monkey D. Luffy, has wanted this as a kid. He trained under highly influential people, he’s obtained a crew, escaped death many times, suffered the loss of his brother which drove him to become stronger, he gained battle experience over the years to make him a formidable fighter and is now one of the most powerful pirates of his generation. He valued one thing in the entire process: the journey.

Yes, I just referenced an anime. So what, it’s my blog.

It’s so important to never underestimate the journey. Once you’ve reached the end, you’ll appreciate it. You’d be happy you weren’t fast tracked as you may miss vital information along the way. Some things wouldn’t of processed correctly. You can’t compare your life to someone else; you both walk, but on separate paths unique to yourselves.

Remember to take your time. Yes, work hard. Schedule things. Have a plan. But just know that it may not happen in your time. It will happen when it has to happen.

No one said the journey is easy.

Size doesn’t matter, bro. Part 2.

I’ve written this to follow up on Size doesn’t matter, bro. If you haven’t read it, I strongly recommend you to do so before reading this.

I want to start by thanking every single one of you for liking, sharing, sending me personal messages and reaching out to me with your addiction. From the bottom of my heart, I’m grateful a little boy like me from London is helping people across the world through my fingertips. Crazy!

So, why a second post about size? Well, the feedback I’ve received was very… interesting. And it’s good to speak on it.

First of all, I want to remind you that you are more than your size. I know I kept banging on it in the first post but seriously… you are unique! Women would never bring it up on the first date either. They want to know you for who you are. Sure, a big penis sounds impressive, but at the end of the day you can’t satisfy her for 24 hours with it. Possibly… 20 minutes? So, what about the remaining 23 hours and 40 minutes of the day?

What about your hobbies, interests, ideologies you believe in, your values, profession, education, mindset, future, how often you bath, colognes you use? That is what keeps a woman around you. If you don’t have any of these and she’s still around you, chances are she’s using you for her own benefit. Ouch.

Okay, onto the main part of the post.

I wrote Size doesn’t matter, bro. because I was affected by porn from the age of 13. I used it as an intermediary to masturbate. It changed me. I was once a guy that couldn’t understand why guys would watch woman’s bums when they walked past.

Then I watched porn.

Then I understood.

I wanted that. I desired that. You see, the problem with what I just wrote was at my mind at the age of 13.

At that age, you’d want to watch your favourite football team Manchester United destroy Arsenal at their home turf. You’d look forward coming home to play your Nintendo Gamecube or computer, go to your cousins house and whoop everyone at 007 Agent Under Fire whilst your auntie is whipping up some fried rice.

No.

My mind slowly started to care more about woman’s bodies in such an unordinary way. All because of how I obsessed with porn. The lies it taught me. The categories became weirder and extreme. Stuff I couldn’t watch before which was uncomfortable became normal later on. The brain wanted more. Dopamine.

Fast forward and I’m in a much better place. I appreciate women better. I love them for who they are. I struggle with porn sometimes, but not at the velocity at ages 13-15. My self control is 100x better. I know I’ll experience freedom soon. I’ve learn’t so much and I’m more satisfied with life.

My request to you reading this. Men. Dads. Grandfathers. Boys. Please:

If you’re a young father, please monitor what your sons are watching. Don’t allow them to lock themselves in their rooms. Porn takes pleasure in secrecy. Put restrictions on the internet or technology with websites and curfews. Find out from your friends what’s currently trending so you can be one step ahead\. Establish a circle of trust between you and your children. At one point, they will stumble across porn. Why? It’s everywhere. The whole point of doing this is knowing they can trust you when they come upon it.

If you’re an old man, it’s not too late. You can seek help. You can tell those closest to you. It will be hard as their way of thinking is very different. Ask someone close to be your accountability partner. The thought of having someone you need to report back everyday will give you an insane level of willpower not to look at porn. Especially if it’s someone you don’t want to let down i.e. your wife.

If you’re a young man, make the effort to remove it out of your life. If you haven’t seen porn yet, that is amazing. Never watch it. Don’t be curious and entrap yourself in a snare so large you won’t be able to escape. You have to start somewhere. If you masturbate 5 times a day using porn, go down to 4 times, then 3 times, then 2, then 1. Start taking baby steps. Cold turkey isn’t for everyone, it could make it worse. Ask someone older than you to keep you accountable.

To my female readers. If you’re reading this, speak to your daughters too. I can’t speak on this but I found an incredible article which speaks on it here. You are not alone.

So what helped me on my road to recovery which I’m still on?

Confession.

I confessed this to my siblings. I told them everything. The type of porn I watched, how I desired it, how it made me who I was. I started crying to my sister. I was afraid they’d look down on me. I was scared I couldn’t be the big brother that they could rely on. Instead, they had the biggest amount of respect for me. I was shocked. I thought they’d be disgusted.

They support me.

That’s love.

That’s changed me to be a conqueror.

That’s helped me to abstain from porn in better ways I could.

And so has my Bible. I can’t leave God out the picture.

Ask yourself what you can do in this very moment to help break your porn addiction.

I’ve provided some links at the bottom if anyone is looking for help. I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to read this. Some of you will reach out to me & take the advice. I love that. At the end of the day, we operate better when we get help from speaking to someone face to face. Don’t hide behind your computer or phone forever. Take action.

Stay blessed.

Net Doctor – Porn and Relationships

netdoctor.co.uk

COSRT (College of Sexual & Relationship Therapists)

cosrt.org.uk

Sexual Advice Association

Helpline: 0207 486 7262 & https://sexualadviceassociation.co.uk/factsheets/

Sex Addicts Anonymous

saa-recovery.org.uk

Parents Protect!

parentsprotect.co.uk

Men. Take responsibility.

Have you noticed that we don’t do it? There’s always someone or something to blame. It MUST be someone else. Never me. We refuse to ask ourselves “what did I do for this to happen?” Rather, we use our actions to blame others.

Imagine blaming inanimate objects because you can’t lose weight. 

Mate. YOU need to take responsibility for what YOU do. Everything we do has consequences, benefits or both. Look at this:

 

  • Still living with your parents and you’re 30? Benefits is helping out with rent/mortgage at a subsidised cost (or not paying it at all), parents make food, no need to worry about council tax & other bills so you can save a lot of your income. Consequence is that women you date may not take you seriously for living with your parents at 30.

Buying a car or living with your parents is not a bad thing, those are personal choices you’re making. And because of that, whatever action you make is determined by what values you live by.

The Oxford definition of value is principles or standards of behaviour; one’s judgement of what is important in life. When you buy sweets, you value it because it tastes nice. You wouldn’t buy it for the sake of buying it or you’re just greedy. Something motivated you to make the purchase. Why would you write a poem to your wife who loves reading handwritten letters? You know she would appreciate it in the present and future.

Where am I going with this? Simply put: look at your values and ask if it’s harming yourself. Are you harming someone else? Especially women?

Whoa now, women? 

I mean, yes? They’re more oppressed than us, and don’t get me started with black women. You could be upholding a value that’s destroying or dumbing down a female you know personally or work with. Why does she have to wear a short skirt to work for 3 months so she can have a promotion? What about her attributes and what she brings to the table? You’re her manager, what about KPIs and any ideas she brought to the business? Is that what you value in a woman? I hope not.

As we’re speaking along those lines, can we remove this agenda of what a woman wears is the reason why she’s raped because that is complete nonsense. Men, how did we come to this conclusion? Why why why.

You value specific type of female clothing to set an ideology to say such rubbish to live by which is making you look stupid, insensitive and can potentially land you trouble with the justice system. You don’t practice self-control. You don’t value the right things about women. What can you do about it? Ask your friends to help you. Your friends will respect you that you’re bringing this up as an issue. Write affirmations to yourself. Speak them boldly to yourself that you will not pry upon a woman no matter what clothes she’s wearing. Start now.

It may sound embarrassing at first, you may think this is ridiculous, grown man like myself speaking like a wannabe in front of a mirror. But, you’re making progress. A woman out there will thank you – they shouldn’t have to thank us, we should be valuing them already!

There is a lot more I can say on this. Men, let’s take responsibility for our actions. Verbal or physical actions have implications no matter how small or big you think they are. Of course, in extreme circumstances you won’t have a choice and may have to act on impulse. That’s not your fault… but be prepared for what will lie ahead.

Inspired by the book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

If a woman says no… this is what you do

Walk away. Fix your face. Don’t show attitude.

It’s as simple as that.

I should end the blog here, and someone should donate to me at paypal.me/olufemi

Don’t be that guy that gets rejected and then sumo wrestles a woman on the floor. That is a poor way to express your hurt feelings. Simply accept the rejection, don’t respond and walk away.

Do you know how much fish there is in the sea to be affected by just one rejection?!

Why do I say that? It shows you’re strong enough to deal with situations outside your control.

The internet has made it easier to reveal things in us more than ever since the introduction of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. Good and bad. But more noticeably I’ve seen the trend of men are trash, #MeToo, men ain’t sh*t, men ain’t this, men ain’t that. And that’s understandable. Women haven’t been treated well by us in some ways unimaginable to men. Actually, long before I was even born it took until the year 1920 for women’s rights in America to be granted.

What’s my point?

I didn’t know it was this bad for women. We really need to fix up. We need to love our female counterparts the same way we do with our male friends. Why must we resort to foolish behaviour when things don’t go our way? Is it due to us being stronger than females?

Inserting fear into women doesn’t make them respect us more.

Let’s learn to listen to women.

Let’s learn to love them for who they are. You know, one day… one of them will be our partner for life.

Our voice will be one of the most important voices of their life. We can either empower her or make her feel worthless.

You choose.

Her salary is 3x more than mine. Help!

Help?

I don’t think you need it. You need to ask yourself why you’re asking for it.

What’s so bad about your woman earning more than you? You should push her to make more. Think about it. Your partner providing most of the finances shouldn’t shift the dynamics of the relationship. She will respect you and her love for you won’t change. What about you. What do you bring to the table?

Ask yourself that question and ponder on it for a few moments.

Women like money, but don’t let that be the only thing you’re good at getting.

When you think about it… it’s the way we were raised right? We should earn the most and be the head of the house. That’s all we’re told. And that’s the problem: that’s all we’re told.

Can you cook? Wash dishes? Clean the bathroom? Change the bed sheets? Hang the washed clothes on the line to dry? Pick up a hoover and vacuum the living room? Dust unreachable areas in the house? Are you tired of just reading those? My friend, you have a lot of work to do…

I’m not being harsh. I don’t want you to just be useful in one avenue. That’s how I was raised.

If my mum travels, she never has to worry about the maintenance of the house because she knows I have it covered. From bills to making sure the siblings eat a variety of meals.

What happens when she falls ill to the point she’s bed bound for a few weeks? If you can’t maintain the house, don’t take time off from work as you’ll waste your annual leave on being useless.

Hear me out bro.

If you’re genuinely happy her salary is more, you won’t compete to have a higher one. You’ll be motivated to work as hard as her. You will praise her for being a hardworking individual.

Okay, but what can I do because I don’t feel helpful. I’ll tell you a few things:

  • Do you manage money better? Offer to regulate finances. Putting yourself in this position shows you care about the future of your family.
  • Are you a good listener? Do you spend time to listen to her long day at work? What about her period pains? Have you invested in a snack box that is only available during the craving season per period cycle?
  • Have you invested in her side hustle? By this, have you tried to network with individuals who have information to benefit her? Provided opinions on her logo, business plan, mission statement, body of work etc.?
  • What new information have you learned that will add value to your woman? What’s going on in the news? Trade/stock prices? What to invest in. Different types of ISAs. Government regulations. Not buying items at full price.

I provided those four as those are things you can do right now.

Women are tired of men who are intimidated by something as small as having less earnings. Don’t be that guy.

Honestly. As a man, invest in yourself.

Make yourself resourceful. Skilful. Become useful in many areas.

Your woman may not say it, but her body language will tell you a spare hand in some instances in life makes the burden light.

Thank you for attending my TED talk.

 

 

P . S .

My intention wasn’t to attack/trigger men. We need to wake up and understand we aren’t living in the olden days of women doing everything in the house and we just bring the money and that’s it. It doesn’t work like that in this century.

This is a subjective post and may not relate to every relationship. 

Everything is a lie…

…on social media. Just like the title… clickbait!

What am I referring to? Everything! What, even on Facebook? Yes! You name it: news, pictures, videos, comments… the list is endless. You have to be so cautious nowadays because you end up mixing truth with lies.

Why is this a problem? I’ll tell you: social media wants flawlessness in a flawed world.

Okay, before you shoot me: There is good social media (I think I’ll write a post on that). For example, communicating with friends any time of the day at the luxury of your hands? Amazing! But this post refers to those specifically trying to kill themselves over the number of interactions they get + struggling with their identity.

Let me break down the last sentence for you. From my own research + what I’ve received from many people in various meetings, there is the perfect man ideology that exists on social media. More so on Instagram. What is it you say? I can’t pinpoint all but here’s a few based on opinions of others:

  • 4/6/8 pack
  • Buttery smooth skin or rough with a non-patchy beard
  • 6ft+ in height
  • Ripped, bulky or slim, max. 17% body fat
  • Size UK 10/US 11 shoe size or above
  • Well endowed
  • Minimum can do one: sing/dance/act
  • Great network (friends & pictures with celebrities, investors, motivational speakers etc.)
  • Expensive clothing rarely repeating what’s worn per post (whereby it being subtle or abstract)
  • 100,000+ followers… (debatable though, some women prefer if men aren’t online at all)

Now, does the common man have all the above? Well, I know I don’t. But I’m okay with that and I’ll tell you why.

I have a choice.

I can choose to be upset that those men exist online, I can choose to live up to someone else’s expectation of a man, or I can choose to live my life. I can’t allow 2D images of someone I’ve never seen in my life dictate the way I live. Even if I knew them personally, I’d want to be happy for them but learn not to be envious.

Remember, every woman has a different opinion of who their ideal mate is. It will be you, and it other times it won’t be you.

Side note: women will like you for YOU. It’s not a trap bro. Surprised? Don’t be! So stop flexing if that’s not you!

I personally choose not to indulge myself in people’s lifestyle opposite to mine (by constantly watching their stories, liking, commenting and overall engaging) as it did affect me. I was worried more about the engagement of my content than the quality of itThis is one of many ways it can lead to depression.

Moral of the story: find your identity in what you love doing. Be the best at it and you will attract organic engagement. You don’t need to buy likes to pretend you’re something your not. One person reached out to me on LinkedIn (of all social medias!) just to say I’m their biggest fan. That one person made my day. If that can happen to simple young me, it can to you.

I hope you learn’t something.

Part 2, perhaps? Who knows…

It’s okay to be broke

Hear me out first. Trust me, I’m okay at the time of writing this.

Seriously, being broke in itself is not a bad thing. It’s what you do whilst being broke that matters.

Think about it. If you’re at home & all you do is play games, watch Netflix, demand money, have sex, eat with no contribution at all towards the house for weeks and months on end, you’re a bum.

I thought this site was suppose to build up my confidence and make me a better man Femi.

Yes, that’s why this site exists. But I can’t hold your hand in every situation. The truth has to be laid bare.

You are profiting off your family/girlfriend by living rent-free, using your time inefficiently and not offering help. How do you expect to be respected? You refuse to apply for jobs, draft multiple versions of your CV, pick up new skills, cook food for the house.

Okay, flip it the other way. You have a daughter. She tells you all the wonderful things about her boyfriend. You are happy for her. She brings him to the house. You exchange words to find out he hasn’t got a job & is broke. No problem, you say. You later find out he doesn’t help his family with basic day-to-day things in his home and refuses to apply for jobs because they’re too long of a process.

How can you take him seriously? He has no money, no desire to work let alone push to get what he wants in life and eventually he’d want to marry your daughter? You’d laugh, right?

Exactly.

Guys. When you’re broke, don’t be upset. Ask yourself how you can utilise what you have around you to the best of your ability.

Do you like to cook? Look up recipes. They generally have ingredients which are cheap to buy and tasty once cooked. Save yourself some money.

Do you like to write? Start a free blog and just put words down. You’d be surprised how far you’ll go. Then you can work on having a structure later. You could use your blog as a selling point later on in life!

Do you like to take pictures? If you have a phone, there you go! Learn the basics of lighting and you’ll be a professional in no time.

Struggling to look for work? The hardest thing about this as men, is admitting we’re hopeless in finding work. Reach out to your friends. Ask them to review your CV. Tell them to submit your CV to their respective HR for potential employment.

I could go on and on.

Being broke is not a terrible thing. Doing absolutely nothing about it is where the problem lies. It doesn’t help that social media fools people into thinking everyone has money. Trust me, they don’t. I did touch upon it on a general consensus here which you can read. Don’t buy into that lie. Focus on yourself. Your dreams. Your job applications. And ask yourself what you can learn in this season of being broke.

Kudos.